Jessica Simpson in thigh high boots

No, no...don't get your hopes up. While America's favorite dumb bottle blonde has been wearing a lot of boots lately, her leap into thigh high territory is disappointing at best.

If she's been wearing a lot of boots lately, why haven't I covered this new phenomenon?

Well, believe it or not, it's not because I think she's a cosmetically enchanced talentless fembot with clothes dryer lint for brains and a creepy Svengali ex-preacher daddy who encourages her to sleaze things up for photoshoots. Did I say creepy? I mean super UBER creepy - like you'd whip out a shotgun and stand guard at your front door if he came after your daughter or kid sister type of creepy.

And the local sheriff would look at you, and him, spit tobacco between his teeth, and drawl, "Yep. I'd do the same goddamned thing. Carry on."  and get back in his car.

Well, so yeah...that's part of it. About 90% of the paparazzi pics of Jessica that make it online are actually TAKEN by the aforementioned creepy dad - he's worked out a deal with the tabloids.

But besides that, I have ' issues' with women who obviously do not choose their own clothes. Certain Hollywood celebutards are not wearing boots because they LIKE boots - they are wearing them because their very gay stylist slash hairdresser slash best friend made phone calls to a kazillion designers, and got to pick and choose from the (snicker) 'booty'. Then they set their alarm, carefully determine the wardrobe for today's paparazzi appearance while downing their first Red Bull of the afternoon, make the required phone calls so the paparazzi SHOWS UP, and arrange for the numerous 'handlers' to shove the semi-conscious celebutard's limbs into the various designer pieces before pushing them in front of the cameras.

So let's give a collective shout out and a warm boot lover's hug to the very gay and under-appreciated stylists who make the phone calls, collect the boots, and listen to the countless hours of, "But Daddy said I looked better in the Victoria's Secret bra instead of the burlap...la bur...burlaps with pearls...".

Gay stylist (sighing). "La Perla. LA. PER. LA. It's French."

Jessica. "Right. The pearls from like, French, bra."

Those of you who swoon over the Jessicas, the Lindsays, and the Mischas need to kneel and give thanks to these suffering men who pray every night that Nicole Kidman's 'people' call with an offer.

Jessica in thigh high boots. (GoFugYourself.com)

More pictures. (GossipRocks.com)

And the sister is still on my shitlist.

Comments

[Sandi]

A BIG loving (((hug))) to the gayer than Ikea on Superbowl Sunday stylists. We love you guys.

[Cokie]

You ARE funny...and a damn good writer! Keep it up!

[Sid]

I don't disagree with anything you wrote ... but gotta admit that Jessica is still some excellent eye candy (sorry for using that rather gauche term), especially in boots. The fact that she now has her own line of boots and footwear, and feels the need to wear those boots to try and sell, is okay by me! Keep up the good work, Teri!